I Came From...?

In the middle of all the deadlines (as Apa puts it they're designed to kill), the random thought of my place of origin seemed to pop into my mind.

I'm a Filipina through and through (I have a Chinese sounding middle name and yes I do look Chinese but my mom and her family are Filipinos through and through already, do not be fooled by my looks). I was born, raised and currently residing in Quezon City. I still live in the house where I grew up in. None of those things changed.

What I'm talking about is my psychological place of origin (if there ever were such a thing). I'm one of those people who believe that I was born in the wrong country. I'm born in the right period, just the wrong place. And with the whole Japanese invasion going on in my life right now, I wish nothing more than to be living in Japan. But that's beside the point now is it not?!

I don't know if it was because I was raised by a bourgeoisie father who really loves criticizing the abundance of idiocy in this country. That must have been a big factor. I was taught English. I spoke English as a child. I knew the word inverted when I was about three years old. As to where I got that... my parents have no idea.

I had Western sensibilities ingrained in me. I only watched Western shows and movies, anything local was just too cheesy for my taste. I did not feel like I was left out though with the whole local scene, I mean. I just did not care for it that much and I'm still not that fond of it right now, the mainstream stuff I mean.

As a child, I imagined growing up in America. It was all those shows I've been watching. I wished more than anything that I really did grow up there but those wishes of course couldn't come true because I'm here in this horrendously hot country. I love tropical weather but I'm not enjoying it that much today. Jeez... it's supposed to be the rainy season.

I still feel slightly misplaced in this culture. There are moments when I ask myself where I actually should have come from. But those things I know I have no control over. I just cope with the best of my abilities.

I have an identity I just know it but sometimes I wonder where it is.